What Are You Expecting?

No Limits | The Freedom Blog®

What Are You Expecting?

Written by Steven Griggs | stevengriggs.com

“Keep high aspirations, moderate expectations, and small needs”            William Howard Stein

“When one’s expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have”                                                                                            Stephen Hawking

“I got no expectations, to pass through here again”

Rolling Stones

Expectations are desired outcomes. We desire something and when it doesn't happen we are disappointed. We experience contradiction.  This is because we view the world out there as something we can control but the truth is we can’t; we can only control our responses.

Yes, we can influence some things and maybe manipulate other things but that can lead to trouble because you develop the feeling that you can control most things. But it’s the things that happen that we can’t control that cause us to be emotionally upset or angry.

In the physical sense we have a bit of chemistry to overcome. Our brain releases dopamine when it is pleased. So when its expectations are met and our brain is pleased a small amount of Dopamine is released into our system. This gives us a quick feeling of pleasure and well-being. Larger amounts of Dopamine are released if you exceed your expectations.

This “reward” for meeting our expectations can result from the smallest form of having your expectations met. For example, being on a deadline and looking up and seeing you have 30 minutes more than you thought you had or having the light turn green just as your reach the intersection. Both of these events cause Dopamine to be released.

Conversely, when you have an expectation that is not met, you not only don’t have the flush of Dopamine, you actually have a more negative feelings come up. This can even dip you below where you would be normally. In some instances you might even have a momentary feeling of fear.

Having expectations is the real source of all unhappiness.

This is because you are constantly living with contradictions of the ego. Your desired outcomes don’t match with what is actually happening.

You looked forward to a clear warm day and it rains. You have an appointment and your car won’t start. You were hoping to get the new job and you didn't.

It never ends.

So what do you do? You have to learn to become detached.

You have to learn to accept what is not what you would wish it to be.

For example when your expectation is a sunny day but you get wind and rain, look at the weather and accept that this planet has a lot of weather and without it the entire planet would be a desert. So you accept the weather and put on a raincoat or pick up an umbrella.

Simple.

No need for an emotional reaction or frustration or even anger. It’s just weather.

So try stepping back from the emotional engagement of contradicted expectations.

Accept “what is” and roll with it. Expect everything.

www.stevengriggs.com

The Power of No

No Limits | The Freedom Blog™

The Power of No

Written by Steven Griggs | stevengriggs.com

“Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”                                                                                                                                       W. Clement Stone "Life is all about balance, too much and too little can kill. The best way to balance life is by setting your boundaries and learning to say Enough"             Anonymous Why do we almost always say yes, when we really want to say no? What is it that makes it so hard for some of us to say no? I think we have a built in instinct to say yes. It is probably an ancient human trait to look out for our family and our tribe. In ancient times the tribe was all important. It took a group to survive and prosper, so teamwork was essential. You would have a problem or possibly be ostracized if you said no or refused to help someone in your village. It would be unthinkable. But today is a different world. Most of us are already overwhelmed and operating at a slightly chaotic level. We have enough to do without taking on some else’s problems. But it is hard to say no. In many conversations, especially with family, there are so many unspoken issues and feelings swirling around that any request for a favor is never straight forward, it always gets colored with feelings of obligation or guilt. And some of us are pleasers and it is very hard to say no when you are a pleaser. Some of us thrive on a higher level of chaos. Saying yes to other’s requests provides oodles of opportunity to be overwhelmed. It feeds right in to our martyr complex. I have been guilty of being a pleaser for a large chunk of my life. I was always thinking of the other person, always putting someone else’s needs before mine. I never thought of putting myself first. I was the poster boy for the Pleaser Hall of Fame. But you can’t allow yourself to be pulled in to serving other people’s needs. First of all, if someone is asking you for something or asking for a favor, why? Why is it really necessary to ask anyone to do something for you? I don’t. I can’t think of the last time I asked anyone to do anything for me. Maybe I have and just don’t remember it right now but I really can’t think of any time. But again, why is someone asking you to do something for them? What is really going on? Is it an emergency? Is there a dangerous situation that they need help with? If so, OK. Is it helping with a family situation or maybe babysitting a family member’s kids for a few hours? That’s OK. What I am really talking about is the kind of person who is probably a little oblivious and self-centered and has no problem asking for favors. They are the opposite of being a pleaser, they are probably a taker. But then again maybe they are overwhelmed and stressed out because they have too much to do. They probably have a hard time saying no too. Most of us have full plates with our careers, our families, and all the complexities of today's connected lifestyle. It can be too much. We humans aren't born with the bandwidth to handle all of this stuff. But the real truth is that when you say “No” you are really saying “Yes”. You are saying “Yes” to yourself, Yes to protecting and nurturing yourself. Yes to living a simpler, quieter and less stressed life. You are also affirming that you are in alignment with who you are. Yes, you can help others, and yes, you can do favors for other people but only if it is truly something you feel OK with and don’t resent doing. If you feel for an instant any type of resistance within yourself, stop, withdraw the offer and don’t do the favor. You have to take control. If you say yes and don't mean it you are just setting yourself up for problems by creating resentment and anger. This will be smoldering and stewing within you and will affect your health, not to mention your relationships. That is not good. Just say, “I’d really like to help but I can’t right now”. Or “ No thanks today’s not a good day for me” and move on. Don’t explain or give a reason about why you’re saying no. If they persist and try to talk you into it then you’ll know for sure you made the right choice. So don’t argue or explain or offer to do it later. Just say nothing. Create a huge pregnant pause and wait. Let them fumble around and try to regroup. It will be interesting. I’m not saying to be mean or hurtful, just be firm and loving when you say “no thanks”. It will be difficult at first and you may feel guilty but watch the other person’s reaction. If they react negatively you just got a good insight into their real agenda. And you probably aren't at the top of their list. But if they are understanding and considerate then maybe you’ll offer to do them a favor at a later time when it’s more convenient for you. But either way remember: say “No” with love but start saying it today. www.stevengriggs.com

Every Day Is A New Day

No Limits | The Freedom Blog™

Every Day Is A New Start

Written by Steven Griggs | stevengriggs.com

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start”

Nido Qubein

“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”                                                                   T.S. Elliot

It’s funny how we have come to see New Year’s Day as the best date to start a new plan or make a new commitment.

But the sad fact is that before the end of the New Year 88% of the resolutions we have made have been forgotten. Well, probably not forgotten but put on the shelf to be done later when the time is right….

The vast majority of resolutions are simply not kept. It’s gotten to the point that even though we all know that no one really keeps a New Year’s resolution we like to go through the charade of believing it anyway.

It’s like we’re all in on a great conspiracy of pretending. If you believe in my fantasy, I’ll believe in yours, that way we enable each other to “believe” in our own fantasies….. . It's almost as if by making the resolution and telling other people about it you've already accomplished it! The bigger the goal the better because you get a bit of pre-glory just by resolving to complete it. It's weird. 

                                                       

I see it as a symptom of our society’s loose approach to integrity. We don’t really have to keep our promises because we can just change or modify our commitment to match our change of heart. It seems we can always find a good reason or excuse.

Still our lives are filled with beginnings and endings. 

Everything has a rhythm, a beginning and an end, although not all endings are necessarily final, many “endings” are really just a sign that you have reached a certain point and now things need to change.

Knowing and accepting this can be a great help. It helps you let go and understand that there is a flow to life and that embracing this flow is one of the keys to understanding this journey.

Yes, we feel pain when we lose loved ones, when friendships change, when our lives seem to take a left turn and things fall apart.

It can be hard because change is very, very difficult. Our ego personality likes things just the way they are, sometimes even if those things aren't so pleasant, because it craves continuity.

But everything has its season, listen to the Byrd’s classic song “Turn, Turn, Turn” sometime.

The way I see it is that every day is a new day, a new start. But no matter what program or new praxis you have committed to, you have to do it every day.

It’s not like you start on day 1 and poof! you are finished on day 20.

You have to do it one day at a time. Every day has to be lived day by day.

So don’t look back and don’t look forward too much.

Stay right in today.

No matter where  you start, no matter what you have committed to, do it each day and if you get off track tell yourself you’ll start again tomorrow.

Create a discipline and try to stick to it.

Of course we all get off track and screw up.

But so what?

Forget about it.

Don’t beat yourself up. Remind yourself that this is a journey and that goals are not end all’s or even destinations really. They are just things we focus on for a time that take us down the road.

So get back on track, forget about yesterday and move forward one day at a time.

It’s this day to day process of learning, doing right, and striving to be the best you can be that is important.

That is the real goal.

It takes time, probably more than a lifetime.

But that’s why we’re here.

www.stevengriggs.com

Never Complain, Never Explain

No Limits | The Freedom Blog™

Never Complain, Never Explain

Written by Steven Griggs | stevengriggs.com

“People asking questions, lost in confusion, well I tell them there's no problem, only solutions”

John Lennon

Problems, problems we all have so many problems.

But do we really? 

What would you classify as a problem? I mean a real problem?

Put it in the context of knowing someone who has cancer or some other deadly disease or is crippled or handicapped. Not to mention the billions of people on the planet who don’t have enough food or clean water, let alone any form of a sanitation system.

Knowing this, can you still whine about your little problems or would you just keep your mouth shut? Or can you just accept your problems?

Of course some problems are more difficult than others. Major life changes like the death of a family member, the loss of your job, or a divorce are events that seriously affect people. They can shut you down for a minute.

But the truth is anything less than a major issue really should be called a nuisance.

And why do we like to whine and complain so much anyway? Do you whine?

I’ll bet if you’re honest with yourself you've been a whiner. We all have: the weather is bad today, you have to work on your day off, you aren't getting a raise this year, your plumbing is backed up, the car needs major work”….. the list is endless.

But again, why do we do it?

Because it validates us, it tells us we aren't the only ones with problems, there are a lot of us!

You've watched a whine fest and probably been a part of one at some time. You get together and whine.

Misery does love company so we tend to find other whiners.

It’s a gripe session.  It can be at work or with a group of friends at a party. You get in the whine groove and go for it. Everybody and everything is fair game.

But what is really happening when you join the Whiner’s Club?

First of all, it feels good. It feels like connection. You aren't the only one, you have co- whiners! And your ego personality loves to feel sorry for itself, it can wallow in self- pity for days on end.

But really, if you stood back and watched yourself wouldn't you be horrified?

It is so self -indulgent.

Living in the abundance of this country, with the opportunity and gifts we have does not allow any of us to utter one peep of complaint.

Second of all, if you were honest with yourself you would realize that maybe you really aren't looking for a solution because it’s much more fun to feel sorry for yourself and whine away.

Besides if you had a solution you might have to take action and making an effort might be uncomfortable…..

But lastly, it keeps you safely and comfortably locked into the problem, not the solution

So what’s the answer?

I think it is a process of reasserting yourself, of regaining a little bit of self- control. You need to set some ground rules for yourself.

Years ago I learned the concept of staying contained, staying within your zone of control. That is a very small area, basically just your body and your mind. Commenting, trying to control, voicing opinions or complaining, are out.

It means staying true to your agreement with yourself and monitoring everything that comes out of your mouth (brain). Self-censoring if you will.

If your words do not add positively to the conversation, if you are going to say anything negative towards anyone or anything, don’t say it.

Years ago I began instilling in my mind the words: “Never Complain, Never Explain”.

This does several things. It creates a mindset of control. You don’t whine about things and when invited to join the whiners club you don’t.

You just don’t complain.  And you don't explain.

Keep to yourself. Create an air of mystery about yourself. When someone at a party engages you in a conversation, join in. But if the conversation drifts into whining or complaining (or religion or politics for that matter) drift away. When someone asks you if everything is alright, you don’t respond other than to say something neutral, something positive, “Boy the food is sure great tonight. “I love the way the house is decorated”, anything other than responding to the question.

Because you can’t explain it, no matter what you say, the minute you start explaining yourself to someone you’re in trouble.

You see, most people won’t get it. All it will do is make you stand out and be different. You make yourself an outsider. And that’s scary for the mainstream.

And really that’s what you become, an outsider. Gaining control of yourself and stepping back from the mindset of the mainstream sets you apart, and once you know, you can never go back.

You become what Stuart Wilde called a "Fringe Dweller". We dwell on the fringes of society. We are in it but not of it.

It takes constant vigilance. I slip off my wagon all the time, but when I do I tell myself "nope, we’re not going that way" and jump back on.

So the next time you feel a whine coming on try to nip it in the bud.

Or promise yourself that you will supply at least one solution to every whine you have.

I’ll bet you eventually stop whining altogether because, really, what is there to complain about?

www.stevengriggs.com

Nature Reboot

No Limits | The Freedom Blog™

Nature Reboot

Written by Steven Griggs | stevengriggs.com

“Earth and sky, woods and fields, lakes and rivers, the mountain and the sea, are excellent schoolmasters, and teach some of us more than we can ever learn from books.”

John Lubbock

“Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.”

 George Bernard Shaw

“As you sit on the hillside, or lie prone under the trees of the forest, or sprawl wet-legged by a mountain stream, the great door, that does not look like a door, opens.”

Stephen Graham

Do you ever have days where you are out of energy, out of ideas and out of desire to keep pushing forward? You’re just empty. Not to mention having no empathy, patience or room for any of the nonsense we are constantly subjected to?

I do. Today was one of those days. I just felt drained and tired. I’ve been involved in too many negotiations, too many meetings and way too much strategizing. I needed a break.

So I took a long walk. I went out into the wind. There was a bit of rain coming down. I just walked. I looked at the clouds, the trees, the birds….. I felt the rain on my face, the sound of the wind through the tops of the trees……and……

I remembered who I am.

We aren’t meant to sit in chairs, in offices or cubicles, in buildings under artificial light staring at glowing screens. We just aren’t. Not even for an hour let alone the 8- 10 hours a day that we do. We’re hunters.  We need to be moving not sitting. Acting not thinking.

For hundreds of thousands of years our ancestors lived in small tribal groups. We hunted in packs and lived off the land. We lived in forests or the grasslands, among trees that have been here for over 49 million years.

We were intimately in tune with everything around us. We could smell the weather. We could smell game or enemies. We could sense any changes around us. We were connected.

Although we seem to have lost that direct connection, that connection has never really gone away. We’re still connected it’s just that we have refocused our senses towards screens and cell phones. Towards short sound bites and superficial dialogue.

But it is imperative from time to time to remind yourself of who you really are.

Even if you grew up in the city or have never spent time outside camping or hiking, your ancient heritage is still there…. waiting.

Your deeper mind remembers who you are. It can take you back to those ancient days in an instant.

Have you ever noticed how good it feels to swim in a lake or the ocean instead of a swimming pool?

Have you ever thought about why it feels so good and natural to be sitting around a fire?

Or how much hungrier you are and how good the food tastes when you cooked it on that fire?

Get out. Walk in the wind. Feel your connection.

If you are in a city, walk in the park.

If you don’t have a park, just walk and notice the signs of nature’s persistence in the green weeds growing up through the cracks in the sidewalk or the growth in a vacant lot.

Feel it. Own it and remember the things we worry about aren’t real. They don’t really mean anything. Those problems and worries will end up being nothing. Not even a memory.

We are not outside of nature. Nature isn’t something that we have to deal with or control.  We are nature.

So relax. You are home wherever you are, connected to everything.

Just remember who you really are.

www.stevengriggs.com