The Power of No

No Limits | The Freedom Blog™

The Power of No

Written by Steven Griggs | stevengriggs.com

“Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”                                                                                                                                       W. Clement Stone "Life is all about balance, too much and too little can kill. The best way to balance life is by setting your boundaries and learning to say Enough"             Anonymous Why do we almost always say yes, when we really want to say no? What is it that makes it so hard for some of us to say no? I think we have a built in instinct to say yes. It is probably an ancient human trait to look out for our family and our tribe. In ancient times the tribe was all important. It took a group to survive and prosper, so teamwork was essential. You would have a problem or possibly be ostracized if you said no or refused to help someone in your village. It would be unthinkable. But today is a different world. Most of us are already overwhelmed and operating at a slightly chaotic level. We have enough to do without taking on some else’s problems. But it is hard to say no. In many conversations, especially with family, there are so many unspoken issues and feelings swirling around that any request for a favor is never straight forward, it always gets colored with feelings of obligation or guilt. And some of us are pleasers and it is very hard to say no when you are a pleaser. Some of us thrive on a higher level of chaos. Saying yes to other’s requests provides oodles of opportunity to be overwhelmed. It feeds right in to our martyr complex. I have been guilty of being a pleaser for a large chunk of my life. I was always thinking of the other person, always putting someone else’s needs before mine. I never thought of putting myself first. I was the poster boy for the Pleaser Hall of Fame. But you can’t allow yourself to be pulled in to serving other people’s needs. First of all, if someone is asking you for something or asking for a favor, why? Why is it really necessary to ask anyone to do something for you? I don’t. I can’t think of the last time I asked anyone to do anything for me. Maybe I have and just don’t remember it right now but I really can’t think of any time. But again, why is someone asking you to do something for them? What is really going on? Is it an emergency? Is there a dangerous situation that they need help with? If so, OK. Is it helping with a family situation or maybe babysitting a family member’s kids for a few hours? That’s OK. What I am really talking about is the kind of person who is probably a little oblivious and self-centered and has no problem asking for favors. They are the opposite of being a pleaser, they are probably a taker. But then again maybe they are overwhelmed and stressed out because they have too much to do. They probably have a hard time saying no too. Most of us have full plates with our careers, our families, and all the complexities of today's connected lifestyle. It can be too much. We humans aren't born with the bandwidth to handle all of this stuff. But the real truth is that when you say “No” you are really saying “Yes”. You are saying “Yes” to yourself, Yes to protecting and nurturing yourself. Yes to living a simpler, quieter and less stressed life. You are also affirming that you are in alignment with who you are. Yes, you can help others, and yes, you can do favors for other people but only if it is truly something you feel OK with and don’t resent doing. If you feel for an instant any type of resistance within yourself, stop, withdraw the offer and don’t do the favor. You have to take control. If you say yes and don't mean it you are just setting yourself up for problems by creating resentment and anger. This will be smoldering and stewing within you and will affect your health, not to mention your relationships. That is not good. Just say, “I’d really like to help but I can’t right now”. Or “ No thanks today’s not a good day for me” and move on. Don’t explain or give a reason about why you’re saying no. If they persist and try to talk you into it then you’ll know for sure you made the right choice. So don’t argue or explain or offer to do it later. Just say nothing. Create a huge pregnant pause and wait. Let them fumble around and try to regroup. It will be interesting. I’m not saying to be mean or hurtful, just be firm and loving when you say “no thanks”. It will be difficult at first and you may feel guilty but watch the other person’s reaction. If they react negatively you just got a good insight into their real agenda. And you probably aren't at the top of their list. But if they are understanding and considerate then maybe you’ll offer to do them a favor at a later time when it’s more convenient for you. But either way remember: say “No” with love but start saying it today. www.stevengriggs.com

Never Complain, Never Explain

No Limits | The Freedom Blog™

Never Complain, Never Explain

Written by Steven Griggs | stevengriggs.com

“People asking questions, lost in confusion, well I tell them there's no problem, only solutions”

John Lennon

Problems, problems we all have so many problems.

But do we really? 

What would you classify as a problem? I mean a real problem?

Put it in the context of knowing someone who has cancer or some other deadly disease or is crippled or handicapped. Not to mention the billions of people on the planet who don’t have enough food or clean water, let alone any form of a sanitation system.

Knowing this, can you still whine about your little problems or would you just keep your mouth shut? Or can you just accept your problems?

Of course some problems are more difficult than others. Major life changes like the death of a family member, the loss of your job, or a divorce are events that seriously affect people. They can shut you down for a minute.

But the truth is anything less than a major issue really should be called a nuisance.

And why do we like to whine and complain so much anyway? Do you whine?

I’ll bet if you’re honest with yourself you've been a whiner. We all have: the weather is bad today, you have to work on your day off, you aren't getting a raise this year, your plumbing is backed up, the car needs major work”….. the list is endless.

But again, why do we do it?

Because it validates us, it tells us we aren't the only ones with problems, there are a lot of us!

You've watched a whine fest and probably been a part of one at some time. You get together and whine.

Misery does love company so we tend to find other whiners.

It’s a gripe session.  It can be at work or with a group of friends at a party. You get in the whine groove and go for it. Everybody and everything is fair game.

But what is really happening when you join the Whiner’s Club?

First of all, it feels good. It feels like connection. You aren't the only one, you have co- whiners! And your ego personality loves to feel sorry for itself, it can wallow in self- pity for days on end.

But really, if you stood back and watched yourself wouldn't you be horrified?

It is so self -indulgent.

Living in the abundance of this country, with the opportunity and gifts we have does not allow any of us to utter one peep of complaint.

Second of all, if you were honest with yourself you would realize that maybe you really aren't looking for a solution because it’s much more fun to feel sorry for yourself and whine away.

Besides if you had a solution you might have to take action and making an effort might be uncomfortable…..

But lastly, it keeps you safely and comfortably locked into the problem, not the solution

So what’s the answer?

I think it is a process of reasserting yourself, of regaining a little bit of self- control. You need to set some ground rules for yourself.

Years ago I learned the concept of staying contained, staying within your zone of control. That is a very small area, basically just your body and your mind. Commenting, trying to control, voicing opinions or complaining, are out.

It means staying true to your agreement with yourself and monitoring everything that comes out of your mouth (brain). Self-censoring if you will.

If your words do not add positively to the conversation, if you are going to say anything negative towards anyone or anything, don’t say it.

Years ago I began instilling in my mind the words: “Never Complain, Never Explain”.

This does several things. It creates a mindset of control. You don’t whine about things and when invited to join the whiners club you don’t.

You just don’t complain.  And you don't explain.

Keep to yourself. Create an air of mystery about yourself. When someone at a party engages you in a conversation, join in. But if the conversation drifts into whining or complaining (or religion or politics for that matter) drift away. When someone asks you if everything is alright, you don’t respond other than to say something neutral, something positive, “Boy the food is sure great tonight. “I love the way the house is decorated”, anything other than responding to the question.

Because you can’t explain it, no matter what you say, the minute you start explaining yourself to someone you’re in trouble.

You see, most people won’t get it. All it will do is make you stand out and be different. You make yourself an outsider. And that’s scary for the mainstream.

And really that’s what you become, an outsider. Gaining control of yourself and stepping back from the mindset of the mainstream sets you apart, and once you know, you can never go back.

You become what Stuart Wilde called a "Fringe Dweller". We dwell on the fringes of society. We are in it but not of it.

It takes constant vigilance. I slip off my wagon all the time, but when I do I tell myself "nope, we’re not going that way" and jump back on.

So the next time you feel a whine coming on try to nip it in the bud.

Or promise yourself that you will supply at least one solution to every whine you have.

I’ll bet you eventually stop whining altogether because, really, what is there to complain about?

www.stevengriggs.com

Who Are You Really?

No Limits | The Freedom Blog™

Who Are You Really?

Written by Steven Griggs | stevengriggs.com

“What a liberation to realize that the 'voice in my head' is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.”

Eckhart Tolle

“Knowing others is wisdom, Knowing yourself is enlightenment”                          Lao Tzu 

“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make, the better.”   Ralph Waldo Emerson

Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you accept who you see? Is this the real you? Are there things about you or your life that you would change?

Looking in the mirror for many people is a torturous process (I'm not talking about visuals, how many spots or wrinkles you have now, or how you are aging.....). They see so much that they don’t like, things that they might even hate. They get reminded of their weaknesses or their failures or of their unrealized potential and uncompleted goals. 

They don’t see the person they wanted to be.

The hard truth is that you created you. Who you are at this very moment, you created.

It’s not as if you actually sat down and designed yourself but in a way you did, it just didn’t happen all at once.

You are the sum total of your all beliefs, your positive beliefs and your limiting beliefs. This is it. What you see is where you are, at this moment.

Everything is how you designed it: the way you look, your confidence or lack of confidence; the way you interact with people or don’t interact; your good habits and your bad ones; your current circumstances and your monetary status; the way you make your money; the woman or man you choose.

Plus the challenges you create for yourself, the drama that may exist in your life.

So the question is: when you look in the mirror do you see yourself as a finished product or as unfinished business?

For some, it may be hard to tell the difference, especially if you believe that life happens to you instead of you happening to life.

Because if you ever look out at the world and can see a reason why it hasn’t worked out for you, you are a victim.

If you ever think life has thrown you a few curve balls, you are a victim.

If you think you were dealt a bad hand and have had nothing but bad luck, you are a victim.

Until you understand and accept that you created your life, that you brought about every event and episode in it and that you wrote every chapter, you will remain a victim.

But the best part is that once you get it, once you accept that you are the creator and take ownership, you can change it all.

Anything you really want to change, you can. And I mean quickly.

I also don’t believe that obesity, drug abuse, alcoholism or any other affliction we humans deal with is necessary. Be careful of the word “addiction”. It is a dangerous word because addiction implies no control. It is a kind of invitation to let go and allow yourself to float down stream.

But it is not a given.

It is not absolutely required even if your family may have a genetic disposition toward addiction. That same genetic disposition appears in many people who choose not to allow situations or circumstances that lead to food, alcohol or drug abuse into their lives.

But on the other hand, if you choose to allow addiction into your life, that is your choice.

It could be that you need to understand the full meaning and reality of some kind of abuse or addiction.

Maybe you will need to do it for a month, a year or even 20 years. It doesn’t really matter. This is your life, your path. You are here to learn.

But if you are ready to turn a new page, then start.

Take control.

Look in the mirror and decide.

If you are where you want to be, more power to you, good on you.

If not, what is missing? What is needed to become who you really are?

What is needed to fulfill the promise and potential you know you have?

First: Accept that you create your life.

Second: Forgive yourself if you got off track. Turn the corner.

Third: See who you want to be. Get a picture of how you want it to be.

And then start.

www.stevengriggs.com

Detachment

No Limits | The Freedom Blog™

Detachment

Written by Steven Griggs | stevengriggs.com

“Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. 
It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it. 

 Sylvia Boorstein

“Attachment creates illusion”

 Buddhist Saying

“He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment”

 Meister Eckhart

What is detachment? How do you define it?

I have heard some people describe being detached as if it were something negative, as someone who is disconnected or aloof.

Detachment is nothing of the kind. It is simply the opposite of being attached.

It means you are not attached to any outcome. You don’t have any expectations because you aren’t attached emotionally to what happens next.

What happens is what happens, you simply accept it and make your next move.

Expecting “something” and being disappointed or angry when it doesn’t happen is considered a normal response in our culture.

But is it really necessary to set yourself up for never ending disappointment?

And having expectations sets you up for continual disappointment; it keeps you on the razor’s edge of happy and unhappy.

Why is this happening?

It’s because our ego mind always has its agenda. It wants things to be predictable. It craves predictability and it hates to be contradicted.

The ego mind loves to be in the driver’s seat, and if you let it drive it will create all kinds of chaos and stress for you. You can never keep it happy.

So how do you take back control from the ego mind and start driving the car?

You must learn to become an observer.    

One technique I use is to imagine I am looking down at myself from a place above and to the right of me.  It’s almost as if I am watching someone else. As I watch I can “see” what is really happening to me and I can tell myself how to react.

It’s almost like there is a bit of stop action going on. The part where you would normally react is slowed down and you can actually choose a different response, a more thought out or moderated response or no response at all.

Try it.

Start watching yourself. Begin to see the reactions you have to situations. Begin to feel your buttons being pushed.

It becomes very interesting.

You will learn to see yourself beginning to become angry or have an emotional reaction and then, like a surfer you dive under it and let the emotion wash over you like a wave. You don’t feel the emotion, you go under it and come up on the other side.

That’s the best way to describe it. It is an amazing feeling. It will change you.

There are constant opportunities to practice your responses. Anytime your ego mind is contradicted you get a reaction. Test yourself.

For example, you want to go for a hike so you want tomorrow to be a sunny day, but it rains. So you accept the rain and remind yourself that another sunny day will come. You tell yourself you’ll go to the movie instead.

Watch your reaction and modify your response.

A more challenging opportunity is in the area of interpersonal relationships. These are much more emotionally charged but you can still deal with them in the same way.

Usually, your mate or partner will be the best button pusher of them all…..

By watching and observing you will be able to step back from the constant seesaw of frustration or anger.

You’ll step into a new, peaceful place. A place where you realize that almost everything we worry about, obsess about, or are afraid of, is really nothing…..

Detachment is a major step in becoming truly free.

www.stevengriggs.com

Detaching- Greek Style

No Limits | The Freedom Blog™

Detaching- Greek Style

Written by Steven Griggs | stevengriggs.com

“No man is free who is not master of himself.”
Epictetus 

“It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
Epictetus 

“People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them.” 

Epictetus

 Most people are familiar with some of the ancient teachers from the Middle and Far East such as Lao Tzu, Confucius, Buddha, Jesus, and Mohammad but one of the greatest teachers most people have never heard of was Greek. I don't mean to overlook Plato, Aristotle or Socrates, but Epictetus really nailed it. 

Epictetus (Epic-teet-us) was a Greek philosopher born in 55AD in what is now Turkey. He lived as a slave in Rome for most of his younger life. Although there are conflicting stories about how cruel his master was, almost all agree that he allowed Epictetus to attend classes in Rome with a famous philosopher named Musonius Rufus, a Roman senator and Stoic philosopher.

From his exposure to Stoicism he began to develop and build upon his own philosophy that all human suffering comes from the struggle to control that which is outside of us or beyond our control.  He taught that the only thing which you do have control over is your mind.

In 89AD he and all philosophers in Rome at the time, were banished from Rome and moved to north western Greece.

There he opened a school and eventually his teachings became famous throughout the ancient world. He continued teaching until his death in 135AD.

Epictetus wrote mainly about personal freedom, personal integrity and self-control.

His philosophy says that all suffering arises from trying to control that which is not controllable instead of focusing on the things you can control. You can only control your mind and thus your perception of things, in other words- detachment.

Although he did not publish his own writings, his teachings were eventually published by his student Flavius Arrian and spread throughout the ancient world.

I recently came across some of his sayings from The Handbook of Epictetus which was written over 1900 years ago.

These are so pertinent and perfect I felt it was important to share them:

• Ask yourself:  Does this appearance (of events) concern the things that are within my own control or those that are not?  If it concerns anything outside your control, train yourself not to worry about it.
• Try not to react merely in the moment.  Pull back from the situation.  Take a wider view.  Compose yourself.
• It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
• When something happens, the only thing in your power is your attitude toward it; you can either accept it or resent it.
• What really frightens and dismays us, is not external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them.  It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.
• Don't demand or expect that events happen as you would wish them do.  Accept events as they actually happen.  That way, peace is possible.

If you embrace these words and apply them in your daily life you can’t help but become lighter, happier and more peaceful.

Epictetus’ writings give a whole new meaning to the expression “It’s Greek to me!”

www.stevengriggs.com