No Limits |
The Freedom Blog™
How Do You Deal With Anger?
Written by Steven Griggs | stevengriggs.com
In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth and have begun striving for ourselves." Buddha
“Anger is a wind
which blows out the lamp of the mind.” Robert Green
Ingersoll
What is anger?
Most will say anger is caused by someone or something that offends us or intimidates
us or encroaches on us in some way. It
is always caused by something outside us, something “out there”.
But is that true?
Nothing “out
there” causes anything. It is all internal. Everything that is happening "out
there" is being reacted to “in here”. It’s
an interpretation or an opinion.
So what is anger,
really?
All anger comes
from loss. This could be either an actual loss or just the fear of losing. It
may not even be close to happening yet but the ego mind will swing into action
at the mere hint of loss.
A feeling of loss
could also be caused by the end of a rhythm, e.g., the end of a friendship or relationship,
the end of a job, end of a marriage, anything
that the ego mind is used to or dependent upon.
It could also be
anything that contradicts the ego’s agenda.
It is the ego
mind that gets vengeful. It wants to get even or “pay them back” or “teach them
a lesson”.
I recently had a
situation with a service provider that I use for various online activities. It
was a business relationship and a friendship. We had a disagreement about how
my account was being handled. We just couldn't agree. I felt I was right, she
felt she was right.
The result was we didn't talk for several months.
But I missed
working with her.
Then one day
while driving, I was thinking about what a great team we made and how much she
had helped me. Suddenly I realized that I was seeing this all wrong!
I had become
mired in pettiness and anger. I realized that I had allowed myself to be
dominated by my ego (It’s a never ending struggle….).
I saw how all this
was such a waste of time and energy.
I didn't tell
myself to forgive her or tell myself to suck it up and admit I was wrong.
There was none of
that. No right or wrong.
I just started
thinking that I've got to get a hold of her and make this right so we can get
back to work!
I immediately got
in touch with her and ended our disagreement. Now we are both excited and looking
forward to working together again.
So what happened?
I decided to
change my opinion of the situation.
Instead of
rehashing what happened and continually feeding the anger, I asked myself: “What
did I really want?”
I realized I
wanted things to go back to the way they were.
Then instantly,
my negative feelings evaporated!
It was really
strange. I couldn't find any anger anymore. There was nothing to be angry
about! I just couldn't feel it. The
anger had been replaced with excitement!
All I saw was the
future and getting back to creating some cool projects.
You may say great,
good for you but what do you do if you can’t see anything good?
What if you are
just mad and stuck in anger?
What then?
1st step: Acceptance.
You have to
accept what is. You have to accept what has happened in order to be able to put
it behind you. Because you can’t really force the anger to go away, you have to
change your opinion of the situation.
But what if you aren't so clear about getting rid of anger? Maybe you like being angry right
now? Maybe it feels kind of good…..kind of victimy…… ? If so then wait, you
probably aren't ready just yet.
But if you are
clear about what you want, you say O.K. this happened. Big deal. What does it really mean? It means nothing. It is
just a tiny blip, not even a one sentence entry in your book of life. Get over it quick.
2nd step: Decide.
Decide what you
really want. Decide that you are done with the anger and pain. That can be done
through forgiveness or acceptance but either way it requires you to put aside
your ego personality and accept that things happen. Things change. They end. Everything
has a time and purpose and then things change again.
You don’t need
forgiveness from the other person, although if you have seriously wronged them it
could be helpful to make amends. But sometimes that may not be possible.
So better yet,
forgive yourself. Tell yourself, “Yes, I could have handled that in a better
way and next time I will do better”. Or “Yes, he or she could have handled this
differently but they didn't”. And you just accept it. What it is, is what it
is.
3rd step: Take the next step.
Make a move
towards the new situation, the next step. Step away from the ego’s self-
righteousness. Throw off the heaviness and the destructive feelings that come from anger. Move towards lightness. No snags, just
flowing and moving through life.
4th step: Remember who you are. (Always)
You have to keep
your eye on your bigger picture. You
have to remind yourself of who you really
are. You are here to grow and help other people. You don’t have time for anger.
Forget about it. When it happens realize it for what it really is, think it
through, then release it and keep moving.
Don’t try to
“manage” anger. Anger management is a scary idea. Who wants to have so much
anger that they have to “manage” it?
